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It is near. The time of the NBA season when a slew of fans voice their disdain over the way the NBA Slam Dunk Contest is showcased and performed. It’s a traditional unlike any other, which means Jim Nantz is the logical guy to call the event, but that’s not why we are here.

We’re here to embrace it. To let the messiness of our obsession over an antiquated contest wash over us.

Really, the only thing worse than the dunk contest are those who complain about it. Seriously, we all get it, Angry People. We’ve all seen marvelous athletic feats performed by humans, too. It’s hard to get ‘that’ excited about it anymore. Still, it’s somewhat comical we giggle and dismiss a dude hurling a ball between his back, then going through his legs for a dunk.

Man, we’re so needy and disillusioned. Never happy, us humans.

Regardless, either right before or immediately after the dunk contest actually happens people are going to ask for some sort of contest reform. It’s an annual tradition. Basically, it is the NBA’s version of Christmas, but instead of a fat guy being all creepy and sneaking down a person’s chimney, we have Ryan from two houses over telling you how unimpressive it is to see a 6’3″ guard jump a billion miles into the air while doing trigonometry and predicting the landing of our species on Planet 353PK.

A preemptive strike to that is needed. If only to avoid the mean streets of Twitter being flooded with tweets being the same ones from years prior, yet tweeted out anyway. So, yeah, here’s how we should really reform the All-Star Weekend NBA Dunk Contest.

Reform Step One

Appreciate that we live in a world with amazing future-devices that allow us to watch other humans entertain us thousands of miles away. Seriously, think about how insane it is that some wacky gizmo and gadget project humans on our screens for us to watch.

Oh, then send out an inappropriate text to your co-worker friend using that same future-device. Then realize this isn’t the way Orson Welles imagined our future technologies would alter our lives.

Reform Step Two

Use your future-device, which you should now greatly appreciate, to watch old dunk contests. Witness the sheer (lack of) athleticism audiences went bonkers over in the early 1980’s. Also noticed how jaded the viewers of those spectacles aren’t — as in, the opposite of us.

Their faces aren’t buried in 1980’s future-devices, nor are they placating to a cameraman. Nope. They’re simply letting the entertainment do something crazy… You know, entertain them.

Reform Step Three

Go to the store to buy the essentials for All-Star weekend. I won’t speak specifically for you, as that’s a to each their own situation, but I’ll purchase some Mr. Pibb, frozen pizza, and tissues. Let me explain, as you might want to take a similar approach.

• Mr. Pibb because I’m a working man, gosh slam it. I ain’t got no sofa room in my house for a fancy PHD person.
• Frozen pizza because it’s cheaper than Pappa John’s. And, well, let’s be honest: It’s creepy as hell that guy wants me to call him my Pappa.
• Tissues because I’m mostly a sad, old, and lonely man during All-Star Weekend.

Reform Step Four

Call your parents, spouse, loved ones, or whoever. Tell them you forgive them for whatever wrongdoings you feel they perpetrated. For real, man. Stop being so bitter.

Ask for forgiveness yourself, too. Don’t let that guilt hang over your head, clouding your entertainment-judgement-mindset.

Reform Step Five

Watch the 2016 NBA Slam Dunk Contest. It could be with or without your friends — assuming you have the latter that gives you an option.

With who you watch it is entirely up to you, but we’ve already established my only company will be a fella named Mr. Pibb.

Reform Step Six

Don’t be an {expletive}.

Honestly, simply don’t enter the event with the mindset of disappointment looming within your soul. Hell, if that’s what you are going to do, why watch anyway? Are you a glutton for punishment? I mean, if you think it’s all ‘that’ bad and all.

Reform Step Seven

Realizing WE, not the contest, needed the reform.

Outcome

If you still want major reform to an event which incorporates some of the world’s greatest athletes — the top one percent of the top one percent — then eat a bag of Doritos and wash those down with some lukewarm milk.

Stop being so jaded, angry, needy, unrealistic… you humans!